self-realization

Discussions in my writing group got a bit heated last night. We 'almost broke up', as Mustang Betsy jokingly said. I'll admit it though, I was scared for a minute. We can't break up! I value these three individuals so much, each in their own special way. I know I'm not the best writer in the world (yet), but I'd be so far behind where I am now without them.

Anyway, at one point during the discussions I was referred to as 'the middle sister'. Which I am, but in a very odd way. I have two older sisters - by older I mean 11 & 10 years ahead of me. Then there's me, then there's Cootie, who's 2 years younger. So I am a middle sister, but I'm also the older child, in a way. I think I'm definitely a combo of the both. As the older child, I'm competitive, independent, and responsible. As the middle child, I'm a loner, I'm not an over-achiever, I lack drive, I lose focus quickly, I acted out quite a bit, and I'm a born peace keeper.

The group was referring to the peace keeper in me last night. Ever since college, I've been the one to keep both sides calm. Maybe it's because I don't take sides. Or maybe I don't take sides because I want to keep the peace. I don't know. Either way, I despise conflict. It makes me uncomfortable. Even if the other parties are totally okay with it, I feel the urge to step in and make everything okay.

I think this is fascinating. I've realized this need to be the peace keeper exists, but until last night I didn't really think about why. It makes so much sense. Coming from a family of four girls, it's not hard to imagine we often times disagree and get on one another's nerves, especially since we all live in St. Louis. Though sometimes with them I do take sides, I often find myself in the usual position of being the diplomat and negotiator.

Maybe I should have been a counselor, or a policewoman. If the writing career doesn't take off, that is.