They're all hilarious, but here are a few of my favorites:
Fauxhawks
Mohawks for people that want to show that they're edgy, but still need an exit plan if it doesn't work out. Fauxhawks are the clip-on ties of the punk rock world.
Alcoholism
If we believe Mel Gibson and Mark Foley, we could eliminate the world's racism and sexual harassment by simply bringing back prohibition.
Ashlee Simpson
She spent a ton of cash on a nose job, while doing absolutely nothing about her deformed vocal chords.
Giant Size Belts
What's up with ladies wearing these freakishly large belts. If I want a woman that looks like a WWE wrestler, I'll date John Cena.
Steve Martin
Steve Martin's now making the movies Pauly Shore used to get stuck with. I eagerly await Oh Heavenly Dog 2 and Skid Marks of The Pink Panther.
James Blunt
His song "You're Beautiful" is an aural holocaust. His vocals remind me of that guy who's singing "I Gave My Love A Cherry" at the toga party in Animal House right before John Belushi smashes his guitar to bits.
Gwen Stefani
Followed up "Hollaback Girl" with a rap song featuring yodeling from The Sound of Music. Look for her to release a heartfelt ballad featuring samples of the dogs barking "Jingle Bells" next.
Paris Hilton Perfume
Save yourself some cash and just dab juice from a tuna can on your neck.
Tony Snow
Who would have thought it possible to find an even shiftier White House Press Secretary than Scott McClellan? At this rate, look for The Simpsons Kent Brockman to take over next year.
Mel Gibson
Mel responded to the bad hype from his drunken racist tirade by making a kickass action film, Apocalypto. If we're lucky, he'll make a drug addled rant about Mexicans next year and give us a Mad Max sequel to apologize. Say what you want about him, though, the guy takes a handsome mugshot!
Anna Nicole Smith's Son
This tacky attention whore couldn't wait until after his mother's new baby was born and her quickie wedding to her lawyer to die? No class!
George Bush
Thanks for wasting nearly a trillion dollars and thousands of lives so we can occupy a country we have no chance of stabilizing and we'll leave it in shambles once we finally pull out. Good thing we already declared victory years ago, so we can leave with our heads held high.
Spinach
Way to go, E-Coli! Get all over our healthiest food instead of scaring people away from bacon or cheeseburgers. Further evidence that God wants us to be fat!
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
You know, if you're going to be an evil leader, you should find some clothes more menacing than khaki Member's Only jackets from 1982.
The Transportation Safety Administration
Thanks for keeping the skies safe by keeping me from bringing fluids and gels on the plane. Looks like I'm stuck with Amtrak now, when I need to travel with my "Sam's Club Jumbo Vat O' Love Lube".
Ann Coulter
Claimed 9/11 widows enjoyed their husband's deaths in her book Godless: The Church of Liberalism. If you think that was a controversial title, it's at least more marketable than the publisher's original suggestion, "Attention Whore: Rants From An Irrelevant Cunt."
OJ Simpson and Judith Reagan
OJ pulled off the impossible by coming off as an even more worthless piece of shit with his book "If I Did It" which was thankfully yanked before hitting the book stores. And for Judith Reagan to even think of throwing millions at Simpson to publish the book in the first place is vomit-inducing. Though she's been fired, look for Regan to bring us classics like "Let's Pretend I Really Killed Laci", and Mark David Chapman's "I Was Aiming For Yoko."
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