happy effing new year

Last night sucked. Thanks to either one of my two nieces or my nephew (I've yet to pin down the culprit), I'm sick. My chest feels like there's a balloon inside of it and it's expanding. Yuk.

Because of this, I couldn't sleep. I fell asleep around 11, then woke up, expecting it to be the middle of the night, only to find out it was only 12:30. It was all over then. Q was having trouble sleeping as well, so both of us were tossing and turning. He also makes this weird clicking noise when he sleeps, which normally doesn't bother me because he goes to sleep after me, but it was like a jackhammer last night. Finally I got up, kicked the dog off the couch, and slept there. For a few hours, anyway. The dog took my place on the bed. Apparently she's okay with the clicking.

I know it's bad when I can't sleep. My mom claims I slept all night every other night from the moment they brought me home. I can fall asleep in even the worst conditions. I've fallen asleep at concerts, movies, bars, sitting up, hell standing up - you name it, I can sleep. Cars are the worst. If it's dark, and I'm in a car, it's a 99% guarantee I'm sleeping. Which is why I won't drive during the night for extended periods of time. It's a death sentence, really. The one exception is the heat. God, I hate the heat. We had to live without AC all through college, and that was brutal. And our AC went out while living in Dallas (IN THE SUMMERTIME), and that was miserable. This was also the same craphole apartment that leaked water through the ceiling fan, which happened to be above our bed, and connected to electricity. Good times. Thanks, AmeriCorps and the government, for looking out for us little guys and making sure you took care of your volunteers.

So, work sucks, being achy, tired, and feeling like my chest will explode at any minute. And year-end is crunch time (well, their definition of crunch time, anyway) around here, so my bosses are driving me crazy.

Hey, has anyone tried that Airborne stuff? What is it for? Does it work after you're already sick? I'm trying to cover all my bases here. I really don't want to be sick for our big bash this weekend. My lunch break will be spent at Walgreens cleaning out the cold and cough section (and my wallet). Plus Hammertime and hubby are coming from Chicago, and I'm really looking forward to the samplers at the Schlafly Bottleworks. I love that place.

rural po-pos

The best Christmas present this year was Q getting out of a ticket yesterday. We were on our way home from the in-laws (very small town in mid-mo), and he was going 73 in a 55. Ouch. I haven't had a ticket in a while (knock on wood), but I imagine that would cost a pretty penny.

I'm still in shock. Q had his earrings in, and is making a really funny face on his license picture. I also have 'Free the WM3' stickers on the back of my car. I doubt this cop had any idea who the WM3 are, but you never know. I would guess cops wouldn't be too happy with that if they knew what it meant. Back to the license picture. It's really funny at bars, and grocery stores, but I guess a cop would either think it was funny or hate it. I guess this guy liked it. Either that, or he liked Chay, who was in the back seat begging him for pets. Or maybe he was just in a Christmas-y mood. He said it was because of the way Q pulled over. Q knew, the minute the cop passed us, that he was a goner. Why fight it?

So Mr. Full-On-Country-Drawl rural po-po didn't give us city slickers a ticket. He effectively gave us a $200+ Christmas present (probably more, when you figure in the increase in car insurance).

We've actually only had good experiences with rural cops. Once, in Union, MO, at the Sonic, I locked my keys in the car with the car running. I have a very bad habit of this. Anyway, a cop was able to open the door with no damage whatsoever in only a few minutes. He didn't even charge us or anything (do they 'charge' for that sort of thing? I don't even know). And he was nice as pie.

Maybe people in small towns are just nicer.

dear steph...

As some of you may know, I lost one of my best friends from high school and college this past May. I think about her every day, and carry around a little bit of guilt over the whole thing, so I thought this blog would be a good place to unload some of my feelings. Mostly I want to remember the good times we shared (believe me, there were many), and hope that this ability to unload a little bit will help me get past the guilt. So here goes.

Dear Steph,

I went to your grave yesterday for the first time since your funeral. It's such a nice cemetery, if such a thing exists. It's nestled in the middle of some huge houses, and very nice neighborhoods. You'd be impressed. It's about a fifteen minute drive from my office, so I can get there and have a few minutes to spend with you. I'll go more often now that I've gotten past the first time. I actually had to have someone from the office show me to your grave. There are no headstones that stick up - everything is flat on the ground. You'd have laughed at me - before resigning to go to the office for help, I first looked around where I thought it was. Where it ended up being was only one or two rows from where I stopped looking.

I stopped at Walgreens first, because I wanted to get something for you for Christmas. I hate those cheesy grave flowers, so I decided to get you a roll of Shock Tarts, your favorite candy. Except I guess they don't make those anymore, so I got Shockers. I'm sure it's the same thing. I thought you'd get a kick out of this. I wonder if a roll of Shockers has ever been left on someone's grave. You might be the first.

Q and I were at Best Buy on Monday night when we saw a poster (or something, I can't remember exactly) for Mortal Combat. I made some comment about how that game sucks, and he mentioned that he thought I used to like it. I then remembered playing it with you all the time on Jim's Sega when we lived in Columbia, upstairs, on Wilson. We both sucked so bad. That's why it was fun. It's stupid to play against someone good. Then I remembered how you loved playing Tetris, and Hammertime's PacMan Tetris game. I always beat you, but you loved it anyway. We had to relish our time with the Sega, as Jim would commandeer it to play hockey all day. Blah.

Q and I were also at CiCi's Pizza recently, and as I was getting my pizza, 'Me and Julio Down By the Schoolyard' came on the radio. I racked my brain to remember why it was so familiar. After a few minutes, I figured out that you had it on a mixed tape that we listened to all the time while driving in your prized Prelude. I remembered that you used to do the whistling part. I was always so impressed, as I've never been a good whistler. I decided I need to get that song on a CD somehow. So many memories behind it.

ding fries are done

There's this drive time talk show host on 97.1 FM named Dave Glover. His show is hilarious. He always plays this song, Ding Fries are Done, around Christmastime, and it cracks me up every time. If you click on the link, you can hear it. The site is really creepy too, so that makes it even better. Makes me want a Whopper (or not).

love is...(warm & fuzzy post)

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?"

The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:

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"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."

Rebecca- age 8

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"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."

Billy - age 4

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"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."

Karl - age 5

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"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."

Chrissy - age 6

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"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."

Terri - age 4

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"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."

Danny - age 7

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"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss."

Emily - age 8

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"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."

Bobby - age 7

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"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate."

Nikka - age 6

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"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."

Noelle - age 7

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"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."

Tommy - age 6

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"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."

Cindy - age 8

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"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."

Clare - age 6

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"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."

Elaine-age 5

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"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."

Chris - age 7

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"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."

Mary Ann - age 4

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"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."

Lauren - age 4

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"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you."

Karen - age 7

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"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross."

Mark - age 6

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"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."

Jessica - age 8

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And the final one --

Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.

Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said,
"Nothing, I just helped him cry."

cremation, please

My mom just called me at work to tell me that when she and my dad die, no autopsy should be performed, and their bodies must get to SLU within 24 hours because they're donating their bodies to medical research.

Did I step into another dimension? Does this type of thing happen to anyone else, or is my family over-the-top crazy?

Her justification for this call is that she told my younger sister this information the other day and my sister looked at her like she was crazy. Mom wanted to make sure all of us girls knew this information so everything goes as planned when they die. She assumed my younger sis didn't know this information, and that's why she looked puzzled.

My guess is that my younger sister was shocked by the odd and sudden timing of this information, which apparently escaped my mother. I was also a bit shocked, but that faded quickly. My mother is known for these odd outbursts, and also lacks an internal notepad/reminder system, so when a thought pops into her mind, it has to be done right then and there before it is forgotten. This frequently includes being told things two and three times. I have become accustomed to this, and to odd phone calls in general.

I personally think donating your body to medicine is creepy. Necessary, yes, but creepy. I'd prefer to be cremated. Burn my ass up. Do not let me rot in a box underground. That's totally freaky, rotting for eternity.

The whole thing is eerie, actually, especially the timing (aside from it happening at work). The mother of one of my friends died suddenly this weekend. I can't even think about losing a parent. Sometimes I wish they'd move far away, (as I'm sure they wish about me at times), but the thought of them gone forever is beyond comprehension. My heart goes out to my friend.

(Mom, if you're reading, you know I love you. You're such an easy target!)

interesting quiz

I found this post on The Ruminations on America Project:

It is no longer a matter of being Republican or Democrat, conservative, liberal, gay, straight, rich, poor, smart or gullible in America. For the sake of easy categorization I propose two groups: those who believe that the law should be upheld, and those who do not.

To see if you’re an upstanding American citizen or a scofflaw, use the following convenient checklist to see where you stand. All of the following are based on actual current events. Write true or false next to each of the following, and tally your score at the end.

1. I believe that the federal government should be able to issue a secret executive order to spy on Americans without permission from, or regulation by, courts.

2. I believe that the Pentagon should hire contractors for the express purpose of planting fake news stories in Middle Eastern news outlets to spread false information about the war.

3. I believe that even though the decision to go to war in Iraq was based partly on manipulation and partly on a lie derived through the torture of one man, Ibn al-Shaykh al-Libi(who later recanted the story about the connection between Saddam Hussein and al-Qaeda), that it was the correct course of action.

4. I believe that Congress should force every voting precinct in the country to replace their lever machines, even though Diebold, Inc.’s CEO, Walden O’Dell, promised to deliver Ohio to Bush in the last election and recently resigned under a black cloud of suspicion related to the possibility that the last election might have been fixed in some key precincts.

5. I believe that torture is acceptable.

6. I believe that those who disagree with the Bush Administration lack patriotism.

7. I believe that it is acceptable for the United States to use weapons of mass destruction, including white phosphorus and depleted uranium, to bring democracy to Iraq.

8. I believe that eroding civil liberties will prevent a terrorist attack.

If you answered true to any of these questions, you might be a scofflaw, with blatant disregard for the laws of this nation and the world.

chocolatey goodness

My favorite thing in the world is chocolate. Yes, chocolate. I'm not exaggerating, either. I love it. If I could marry it, I would (I'd be a polygamist, but oh well). But believe me, I'm not discriminating against other types of candy. I'll eat it all. I could eat candy and sugary goodness all day.

Chocolate brownies, chocolate covered fruit, mint chocolate, chocolate sauce, chocolate mousse, chocolate truffles, mocha, hot cocoa - I could go on and on. If it's even remotely chocolate, I'll eat it. Unless it's no-brand chocolate from the dollar store. That I don't like. I do draw a line there.

My dad's favorite are raspberry cremes from Bissinger's. They cost $29 a pound, but believe me, they're worth it. They also have blackberry and strawberry cremes. Yum.

There's also a very wonderful place in downtown Columbia called The Candy Fastory. They have all sorts of homemade goodies.

Q and I are about halfway through Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, so I guess that's the inspiration for this post. I absolutely love the original, and the new one is great so far. It's just delightful, what with the most adorable kid, the most lovable grandpa, and the yummiest chocolate river.

Charlie, in the new version, is just the cutest kid ever. Now there's a great child actor. Not like Dakota Fanning - that child is the devil. I saw an interview with her on TV once. Frightening. Children aren't supposed to behave like that, like an adult trapped hopelessly in a child's body. Just the way she said things almost made me puke. I cannot watch a movie with that child in it. NO WAY. CB thinks I'm crazy. He likes her. He can have her.

Back to chocolate. I love chocolate. If anyone is looking for gift ideas, there you go! Buy me chocolate! The good stuff, please. Preferably creme filled. That's not asking too much, is it?

my house is full of dead skin (ewww)

Interesting Facts...(thanks to Hammertime)

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood plasma.

No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times.

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.

The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive from each salad served in first-class.

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise. (Since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you!)

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.

Walt Disney was afraid of mice.

Pearls melt in vinegar.

The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away froma toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.

Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first U.S. president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal." The second? William Jefferson Clinton

And the best for last.....turtles can breathe through their butts.

get your ass off my knee

There's this hawk flying around the trees outside of my window today. It's really cool. One of my bosses actually pointed it out - he thought it was an eagle, but I have my doubts. A hawk is weird enough, but an eagle? In Olivette? Doubtful.

It reminds me of the last time we camped with our vewwy good friends, V & CB. We were walking to the bathrooms and saw a huge owl swoop down into a tree. It had huge, black eyes - they looked like voids, like black holes. It was really cool, yet really disturbing at the same time. Owls are neat-o.

Lots of interesting things happen outside of my window. The closest house is a pit. There's crap all over the yard. Another house has two very cute doggies that play outside in the mornings. I see the school bus drive around and let kiddies out, and see when people are out doing yardwork. If you hadn't figured it out already, I'm not exactly busy at work. There's plenty of opportunity to observe the local folk.

On a side note, Q and I went to Frederick's Music Lounge last night to see Deadboy and the Elephantmen. It was a great show. We got there at 8:30, and it didn't start till after 10, so that sucked. It was a very interesting crowd. The singer from Deadboy was in a band called Acidbath (a very heavy band - you could probably figure that out), so there were tons of burnouts (remember that term? blast from the past) and other people generally lost in space and time. I had never been to Frederick's. It's interesting, to say the least. It's very small, and dark, and Frederick himself was collecting money and checking IDs at the door. There were bras, panties, and other unmentionables hanging from ceiling fans, plants, and anything else that would accommodate such things. These things completely belonged and seemed normal here - that alone says enough about the place. The only thing missing was billowing clouds of pot smoke. Suffice it to say, though I needed to, I avoided the bathroom at all costs. No thanks.

While waiting for an hour and a half for the show to start, I came to the realization that there are two basic types of people in the world - those aware of personal boundaries and space, and those who aren't. I came to this realization after having the same guy rub his ass on my knee repeatedly. Half of the problem was that the place was WAY too crowded. The other half I think was that this guy was very, very, wasted. He rocked back and forth constantly. We sat by the bar, on stools, so my knees happened to be right at ass level. I just don't get it. I would never let my ass rub against someone constantly. I'm just too aware of things like that. It was gross. This guy was definitely not clean. And this place was seriously smoky. My eyes are still burning.

It's like people who have to talk to you inches from your face (remember Seinfeld, and close talkers?). That is so freaky. There should be at least a foot of space between two people when they're talking.

Why can't everyone just be as nice and considerate as me? Is that too much to ask?

yum yum chicken salad

I thought I had found the best chicken salad sandwich in St. Louis at Great Harvest, but I was wrong. It's at Applegate's. This place is tucked away at the corner of Brentwood and Wrenwood.

It happens to be directly across the street from the St. Louis Bread Co, whose chicken salad sucks.

They also have great soup. Enjoy!

free (well, not really) tookie!

Tomorrow Gov. Schwartzenneger is going to decide the fate of Stanley 'Tookie' Williams - whether he will die at midnight or serve a life sentence. I recently read a great article about the meaning of 'clemency', and truly hope his sentence is commuted.

Of course, I'm totally and completely against the death penalty, so even though I feel he deserves clemency, even if I didn't feel this way I'd want his sentence commuted. Did you, dear reader, know, that since 1976, 120 death row inmates have been exonerated? And that doesn't count the number of inmates proved innocent after their exocution took place. They are never officially exonerated. Incredible, isn't it?

Here's another good article about Tookie and the death penalty. If only all of our governors would commute sentences as Gov. Ryan did in Illinois.

And anyway, think of what will happen if Tookie is killed. Riots everywhere. There are a lot of Crips in St. Louis, in fact. Supposedly they are going to put all federal prisons on lockdown during the announcement of Gov. Schwartzenner's decision.

Bottom line, I think the death penalty should be abolished all together. I'm not willing to okay the death of a few innocent people in order to kill those who are guilty. Not even losing one innocent person is acceptable, and hell, we've already done that. Forget about whether you are a democrat, or a republican, or a whatever - it's wrong. The US actually spends more money to execute an inmate than to keep them in prison for life.

I'll have my fingers crossed tomorrow.

oh how I miss The Daily Show...

From MSNBC's 'Countdown':

KEITH OLBERMANN: I'm having it hard finding evidence of this attack on Christmas given I live near five minutes from the Rockefeller Center Christmas trees and all the stores are selling Christmas cards and the first recorded claim of an attack on Christmas was made by Henry Ford in about 1920 and I think the last 85 Christmases happened as scheduled. Am I missing something?

MO ROCCA: Well, Keith ... what you have is a lot of people in the media that are constantly emphasizing the non Christian origins of the things that we associated with Christmas. They will tell you that the Christmas tree was originally a pagan symbol of worship. They'll tell you the cross was originally a T square used by architects and carpenters. Which it was. Just ask Mike Brady, Ty Pennington or Jesus.

But the real story here for any who are willing to look for is worse than secularization, it is something I've written about extensively. I call it the drag queening of Christmas. The victims here are the trees. Innocent conifers that are uprooted and brought into people's homes and then they're decorated with baubles - really, jewels I call them and wrapped in garlands, which are basically boas and some people on the bottom put a little skirt. This is just ungodly. It's far from anything you'd ever find in the New Testament. It's virtually pagan.

OLBERMANN: And the trees wind up looking like Dame Edna.

ROCCA: Yes, exactly. To Wong Foo, thanks for nothing. We want our Christmas back.

OLBERMANN: Relative to the shopping ends of this, we did find one on-line marketer guilty of swapping out the phrases Christmas ornaments and Christmas trees and replacing them with holiday ornaments and holiday trees. The shopping part of the Fox News Channel where they were selling 'O'Reilly Factor' holiday ornaments with instructions to use them on your Holiday tree. And we revealed this on 'Countdown' and the next morning they had switched the item name to 'O'Reilly Factor' Christmas ornaments for your Christmas tree. So is it fair to say the Fox News Channel attacked Christmas but we personally stopped them in their evil plan?

ROCCA: Well, it's interesting you won this battle on the war on Christmas. And I thank you. Because now, I can decorate my Christmas tree with the very traditional 'O'Reilly Factor' Christmas ornament. Quite frankly, I was tired of festooning my tree with 'Hannity & Colmes' ornaments. It just didn't seem very much in the spirit and Hannity is such a grouse.

OLBERMANN: Also, if you put the two of them too close to each other they hit.

ROCCA: It's lopsided and tones fall down on one side and crash.

OLBERMANN: So if Christmas is attacked and defeated by conservatives, what will replace it? Are we going to get reruns of Dick Cheney speeches? What's the plan, do you know?

ROCCA: I think Christmas and Dick Cheney are equally controversial.
Real problem here is the salutation merry Christmas versus happy holidays. December 25 should be a day we all come together. It just so happens December 25 is also the birthday of actress Sissy Spacek. And who doesn't love Sissy Spacek? I love the "Coal Miner's Daughter." "In the Bedroom" was a little bit of a downer I think we all some go around and be greeting each other, Sissy Spacek. Sissy Spacek. I think it would be really nice. I has a nice ring.
Now, it's also the birthday of Anwar Sadat but that's a little bit morbid. Anwar Sadat, Anwar Sadat, it doesn't quite work.

OLBERMANN: If you go with sissy, though, you can get the afterlife and the whole religious aspect of it because Sissy as Carrie and the hand coming up out of the gravel pit at the grave-right?

ROCCA: Sure. And traditional pig's blood looks great on all celebrants.

OLBERMANN: It's a nice bright festoonish red.

ROCCA: Sure. Absolutely.

OLBERMANN: One other way this trickled into our discourse here, there's a radio commercial that runs starting Monday in Colorado and Wisconsin and West Virginia saying some judges have supported the radical agenda to end Christmas but not Judge Samuel Alito. To your knowledge, would he be the first nominee confirmed to the Supreme Court who had determined in advance to overturn Santa v. Grinch?

ROCCA: Well, his supporters are certainly hoping so. Look, you have Alito being linked to Christmas here. Now some people are going to object to the overcommercialization of the nomination of Judge Alito. And these people complain about that every year at this time of year. My beef is that the people selling Judge Alito this way are doing a crappy job of selling him. Go all the way and commercialize him. I say Tickle me Alito dolls, I'd say Cabbage Patch Alito that comes with a certificate of confirmation from the Senate Judiciary Committee or Xbox Alito. That's the way to do it here.

OLBERMANN: The television personality Mo Rocca. And we're happy to say that you'll be back with us (Wednesday) night in another of your many areas of expertise, perhaps your highest, the White House animal historian in you, as you talked us the release of the annual Barney cam video? Briefly, anything to look for in 10 seconds?

ROCCA: Look for a giant Barney scaling the umpire state building gripping Naomi Watts.

OLBERMANN: I'm betting he's going to come out and say we have to stay the course in Iraq. He's actually going to address the audience for the first time. That's the novelty. That's my guess.

I don't even know if Mo Rocca's even on The Daily Show anymore...probably not...my pathetic life without cable!

what about the upside-down menorah?

Apparently the new thing this year is upside-down Christmas trees. When I read an article about them, I thought they would probably look extremely odd, but they're actually kind of cool. I wonder, though - do people actually hang ornaments on these? That might look odd.

you know you're old when...

This is a picture of my two adorable nieces and my handsome nephew. Aren't they the cutest? It's amazing how calm they look here. They do not behave this way when they're together. They're like crazed maniacs, running all over, screaming, jumping/climbing on you, and the like. They're very sweet though, when they slow down for a minute.

I came to a realization this weekend. I know I'm no longer a college student, but I like to pretend I am most of the time. It's not really pretending. I really don't feel my age (except when it's impossible to stay up later than 1:30 am - or possible, but only if I want to expose my friends to myself as a raving bitch). So here goes:

You know you're old when you go to parties with food.

Isn't it true? When I walk into a party with a huge spread (both alcohol and food), I feel old. And I dread the day I have to host one of these 'adult' parties. What happened to the good ol' days when a keg was enough? You had a party when you and your friends (or roommates or whatever) could scrape up enough money to purchase the keg, then reimbursed yourselves by charging money at the door. Sometimes you even made a buck or two. Everyone was going to stop at White Castles or Taco Bell on the way home anyway, so who needed food? The point was to get drunk fast. Food only got in the way. Now I guess it's there to sop up some of the alcohol in hopes of not getting too drunk too fast.

Both Q and I were dually impressed and repulsed by this revelation. Impressed because I'm not usually one for huge revelations (that I share anyway), and repulsed by the truth of the situation.

The party that instigated this revelation continued to hammer the point home. It was semi-formal (which led Q to shave a mohawk into his hair - he was going to shave it anyway, though - always the jokester!), had a full and very well stocked bar, great food, and great decorations. It was the ultimate anti-college party.

The host was a co-worker of Q's, so as far as we knew, the party was going to be only co-workers and spouses, sig others, etc. So the best part was Q walking in to a house filled with half social workers and half gay men (friends of the host). Needless to say, Q, with a mohawk, studded metal belt, and steel-toed Docs, caused quite a stir. Q has to look 'normal' at his job, so he uses every opportunity he can to shock his co-workers. This is only funny because anyone who knows Q knows that he's so not a skinhead whatsoever, and usually doesn't look like one much less act like one. He's the exact opposite. It was hilarious. Usually I hate parties where I know so few people, but I was delirious, what with the revelation, the wonderful alcoholic punch and full bar, and Q sticking out like a sore thumb.

I was pleasant, talkative, engaging in small talk, and otherwise so not like my usual self. The host's friends were funny and delightful, and who could forget the very drunk host shouting 'What happened to Baby Jesus!' and 'Did he put Baby Jesus down his pants?' Unbeknownst to the host then and possibly even now, someone put Baby Jesus in the chandelier. This could have been very offensive to a certain crowd (not me, of course), but here, it was just hilarious. I'm laughing now (internally, dear reader, so as my bosses don't think I'm goofing off) just thinking about it and the fact that it might be in the chandelier even as I type. Ahh, good times.

just in time for the weekend

Good advice, Bob!

I call mine the damned-scratches-all-over-my-arms-from-fanning-out-the-stupid-branches tree

Today I heard on the news (the news is like a car wreck for me - I don't want to do it, but I can't stop watching!) that somewhere, they're now calling Christmas trees 'holiday' trees. What? Give me a freaking break.

I also heard a news story about some school somewhere (good thing I really pay attention) that's doing a holiday performance, and they're singing a song about Hanukkah, a song about Kwanzaa, but they outlawed singing a Christmas song.

This stupid religion crap has gotten way out of hand. Seriously. I personally don't give a shit what you call your tree, and no one else should either. We should worry about ourselves, and how we are living our lives, raising our children, and making the world a better place. Not about what the Smiths down the street are calling their tree, or if they're singing Christmas carols.

I know there are people out there who are bitching about what the Smiths call their tree, and the fact that there's a nativity scene outside of a non-religious institution, while their children are running the streets selling drugs and other great after school activities.

The world would be a much better place if we'd just leave each other alone. Worry about ourselves and our behaviors for a little while. Once we're perfect, then we can start bossing others around and correcting their behavior. Alright?

sleep tight...

I take it back. I previously thought that ticks were the foulest creatures to exist on the earth, but I was wrong. It's bedbugs. They're very similar, actually. They look alike, and both suck blood.

Apparently these things are making a comeback in New York City, running rampant through apartment buildings. Oh god. If I found one in my bed, I'd burn the whole thing. Take it out on the patio, douse with lighter fluid, and let 'er rip. I'm not that attached to the mattress, anyway. It was Q's, and I want a Sleep Number or a Tempur Pedic. Maybe I should put bedbugs on the mattress just so the above scenario can occur. Sounds like fun. I should throw in the couch, too. It sucks.

I've had two ticks (well actually a few more, but those hadn't embedded yet...shudder). The first was at my friend Shorty's house. It wasn't a big deal though, her dad just yanked it out. The second was obtained while camping after prom. Yep, just me, my date, and a sleeping bag. Mom and Dad, what were you thinking? Lucky for you, it was innocent enough. We didn't even drink (that was rare back then). Just slept. Maybe a little kissing. Anyway, I was skipping psychology class the next Monday when I felt something underneath my shirt, right below my bra line (apparently I didn't shower back then - my prom date was a lucky, lucky guy). I freaked out, and went to the bathroom to check it out, which lead to more freaking out. I left school immediately. My mom helped me get it off on the deck, with a lighter. Somehow, thank god, it worked.

Q had a tick a few years ago, and I managed to get the head caught inside of his body while tearing off the body of the tick. Who knew? I didn't know that could happen. It got pretty ugly for a while, full of puss (I almost put 'pussy' - I can imagine the ribbing now), red, swollen. Oops! I tried to tell him I wasn't good at that stuff. Honestly, ticks make me woozy. They're horrendous, foul, stinky, disgusting creatures. But he made me do it anyway. So it's his fault. No lyme disease yet, though.

I just spell-checked this entry, and the spell-checker didn't find 'lucky'. Sheesh, people, come on. I know that Americans aren't known for their grammer skills (remember 'y'all cum'?, CB & V? that still cracks me up), but at least put words commonly used in the English language in there.

kiss of death (and boom goes the dynamite!)

This sucks. What a shitty way to die. She didn't even get to enjoy eating peanuts before the reaper sucked her away! I mean, if you're going to die of a peanut allergy, you should go all out. Eat cartons of the damn things.

I myself can't imagine living without peanuts. No peanut butter, no Snickers, no Paydays (hardly any candy bars, actually), no peanut M&Ms (or peanut butter ones - the horror!). I'm addicted to peanut butter. It's so good. I could eat an entire jar at one time, I'm sure (probably then get violently ill - but oh so worth it).

It makes me wonder, though. He ate the sandwich hours earlier. Either he was a nasty disgusting slob who can't wipe his mouth (or even lick the residue off) (wait, he was a teenager), or they were full-on making out. Why scare the little kiddies saying it was just a kiss? Oh yeah, that's what the news is all about. Shock factor. How could I have forgotten, in the day and age of Fox News?

Oh and by the way, thanks a ton, channel 5, for picking up that traffic whore Kathleen England from channel 2. She's a freak. If I have to hear her complain about the cold or say 'sunshine slowdown' one more time I'll spew. I'm no expert, but how do these people actually make it to network news? She should be stuck in Columbia doing the college news. They are SO BAD.

And speaking of hilarious college anchors, this is one for the ages. Go there and watch it - I promise it won't disappoint. This kid was actually on Letterman (in the audience) talking about this newscast. Freaking hilarious. This is courtesy of Crazy Daddy in KC - he showed it to his groomsmen the night of the bachelor party, so Q led them in saying it after his wedding ceremony. Sounds stupid, but it was so appropriate at this affair.

what nightmares are made of

Sam, the ugliest dog in the world (literally - he won the contest twice) died on Friday. Let's have a moment of silence for the ugly fucker.

I'd love to see the two dogs that created this freakshow. This dog is thanking his lucky stars for no kill shelters - if the InHumane Society had gotten a hold of him, he'd have been a goner.

This has got to be the most hilarious dog I've ever seen, and we've got some real treats around our neighborhood, so that's saying a lot. In fact, the other night I was walking my hound, and this little dog behind a big ol' fence went apeshit. It was one of those little yapper dogs, all white and frumpy looking (the ones that always look dirty). The little shit got under the fence and came at us! It wasn't mean. It just wanted to sniff us. I knew I had to take it home. I couldn't just leave it to get run over. But the little bastard wouldn't let me pick it up. I had to grab hold of my hound's head so she wouldn't eat it (remember, she's killed a chihuahua), and somehow walk the thing back to its house. It followed us with its nose up my hound's ass (poor baby - I should have let her have at it). I get to the front porch, knock, and no one answers (though there's a car out front and lights on). I ring the doorbell and knock again, still no answer. I finally have to tie up my hound, pick this thing up, and put it back inside the fence.

What kind of freak leaves a dog outside if they're not home? I guess a lot of people do that. It's always smart to make sure it can't get out of the fence before you do that, though. DUR!
They're lucky I was around. How many people would go to all that trouble for someone else's dirty, haggard, yappy dog?

my inner monster

Your Monster Profile

Iron Claw You Feast On: Tofu You Lurk Around In: The Backseats of Cars You Especially Like to Torment: Your Exes

What's" Your Monster Name?

the drunken elderly

When I'm old and decrepit, please send me to a place like this. It can be the crappiest place in the world, as long as it has a bar. After all, if I'm drunk all day long, who cares what the bed's like, or what the food's like? In fact, you can skip the home all together - just park my ass in a barstool at the corner bar, or wheel me in there and put on the brakes.

fun with cats

Wow. I heard about this website, but had no idea of it's hilarity. People put food, clothes, electronics, you name it on their cats, take a picture, and send it in. I'd love to have this much free time.

boycott Harrah's

Dear Harrah's,

Last Saturday night, my sister, her boyfriend, myself, and my husband decided to go to a casino to celebrate my sister's birthday. We always go to Ameristar, but I had recently been to Harrah's with a couple of my friends and liked it better, so I convinced them to go to Harrah's instead. They were up for it.

We got there, they got cards and a gift certificate to Imo's, we signed up for an Ipod giveaway, and went into the Mardi Gras side to get drinks. I had gone to the ATM right before arriving at the casino, and got out $60. I had no other cash. My sister's boyfriend bought the first round of drinks. I put $20 into a nickel machine, and we played for a while. Then I decided to go and buy the second round of drinks. I took my sister with me.

We went to the bar and ordered three drinks. The bartender told me it would be $5.50, which was so cheap. I was surprised. I handed him a $20 - I know this because the ATM had given me 3 $20 bills, and all I had spent so far was $20 on the nickel machine. He handed me my change, and I left him a $1.50 tip - pretty good, right? I turned around to put my money in my wallet, and noticed there were only 3 ones. I thought maybe I heard the total wrong. I asked the bartender how much the total was, and he repeated, $5.50, then walked away. I waited for him to come back, and told him I had given him a $20 and he had given me change for a $10. He completely blew it off, saying that was impossible. He completely refused to count down the drawer. I argued a little bit, but not much. What could I do? I understand retail. You can't just give everyone who asks for it a $10. So, feeling defeated, we walked away.

A few minutes later though, I decided to go to a supervisor. I found someone in a suit, and told him the story. He called over two women. I told them the story, and they agreed to go over there and count the drawer. We waited nearby, for nearly 10 minutes. They came back over, explaining that they hadn't found the $10. Actually, they said, the drawer was $5 short.

I thanked them, and told them again that though they didn't find it, I was 100% sure I gave the guy a $20. I told them that if the drawer was $5 short, then that seemed to be indicative of a bigger problem. I was not happy at all.

Would I have gone for a supervisor, and waited for 10 minutes while they counted down the drawer if I was lying? I think not. And it's a little insulting that I should be convinced I was wrong because the drawer was $5 short. To me, that means someone behind the bar can't count, or is pocketing money. I would be worried, if I were you.

I know that $10 is nothing to you. But it is to me. I am an administrative assistant, scraping every little bit to get by. I don't go to casinos much, because frankly, I don't have the money to spare. I am angered over this $10. And the worst part is that I convinced my family to come to Harrah's instead of Ameristar! Well, never again. You can bet on that.

Sincerely,

A Disappointed Customer

**For all you gamblers out there, boycott these whores. I know it's only $10, but it's not the money, it's the principle of the thing. Just give me my money. What kind of moron would stand there and wait if they were lying? It's fucking insulting.

the magic of Trading Spouses part II

Wow, what a huge disappointment. The previews were absolutely hilarious - I actually taped this episode so I wouldn't miss fatty yelling 'I am a god warrior!' Unfortunately, the big ending was extremely sad and depressing. A little funny, yes, but that was totally overshadowed. Fatty just stomped around, yelling about how horrible her time was, and that she wouldn't take the money given out to her family by a non-christian. She kept saying the other family was 'dark sided', but it sounded more like 'dork sided', so that was kind of funny. Her family was visibly embarrassed. And I think that would take a lot, being that they live with her every day.

The worst part was that when the wives met, fatty convinced nice mom that her family was mean and non-understanding. Nice mom actually went home to have it out with them about it. Then she heard her family's side, and totally changed her tune. She seemed to have such a good experience, but fatty had to go and ruin it all, all because she's so damn self-righteous and insecure that she couldn't take anything at all away from the experience.

Funny, though, how fatty changed her tune about the money when $20,000 was allocated towards a stomach-stapling operation. Then it was okay to take it. Though I would think that, being so insanely religious, she wouldn't have an operation like that done. You have to take vitamins and stuff like that. Seems a little 'dork sided' to me.

new rules

This definitely fits my mood today. Well, every day. Thanks, CB.

New Rules

1. New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

2. New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.

3. New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

4. New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

5. New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

6. New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

7. New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

8. New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

9. New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Paper, plastic? I don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup on Aisle Nine! Note from NJ: forget sliding your own card, now they expect you to scan everything yourself. For free! We're doing their job for free!

10. New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

11. New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

12. New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

13. New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

14. New Rule, and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

15. New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't care in the first place.

16. New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

Amen.

definitely R-rated

Q and I went to good ol' Columbia this weekend to visit our bestest friends, CB & V. I like going to visit them because they let us bring the hound, and also because their house is so darn cute. CB is quite the decorator. And both are dedicated readers of my blog...awww. We always have tons of fun when we get together. We drink a lot, get very loud, and totally obnoxious. But it's hilarious, as long as you are also drinking. Poor V couldn't partake this time, so he had to put up with us. It's probably a good thing we always stay in and drink. We'd probably drive everyone nuts, and then there's that whole drinking and driving thing. No need for that.

I happened to take some notes from the evening. Some of the things coming out of CB's mouth were just too tasty to pass up. The funny thing is that we weren't even that drunk. So, here are some snippets for everyone's entertainment. Warning: we aren't above being totally dirty and inappropriate, so these comments may not be suitable for the weak at heart or the youngsters. In fact, as a group, it's what we do best.

NJ: What the hell am I grabbing?
Q: A bum tickler. (it was actually a cat toy)

CB (to Q): I give you sucky-sucky.

NJ (on the topic of musk): Have you ever tasted White Castle musk?
CB: No, but I've tasted green bean musk.

NJ as drunk Whitney: I only eat Bobby Brown.
CB as drunk Oprah, laughing: That made me fart. (yes, Oprah farts too)

CB: When it's half a mile up your ass you've got to dig for that shit - it's like spelunking. (fortunately I can't remember the context of this statement and am trying to not concentrate on the obvious)

Some highlights:
*Q screamed like a little girl at one point (not unusual at all - he's got a freakishly high scream)
*CB gnawed on my feet
*We discussed why you can't delete a cell phone message until you've heard the entire thing. What is that all about? How difficult can it be to change that? It's the worst when someone purse-dials, and all you get is a five minute message of car noises.
*Q bought some vampire teeth gummies at Patricia's IGA (where, interestingly enough, they have legalized absinthe and 60$ vodka). Upon further inspection, when turned upside down, they looked much more like the female anatomy than teeth. As you can imagine, this induced a plethora of jokes and disgusting comments.

We also went to a newer restaurant (Columbia is full of good ones - Booche's, Murray's, Shakespeare's, Bankok Gardens) called Jazz, a cajun place. It was fantastic. We had crawfish (really good ones, for Missouri anyway), oysters, jambalaya, shrimp, po boys, and frozen rum runners. Yum.

Good times. V, after re-reading (and trying to decipher) my notes from the evening, I sincerely apologize. We must have annoyed the hell out of you. Thank goodness you love us. I highly recommend everyone take notes when drinking. It's very entertaining the next day, especially if you are like me, and are constantly amazed (and horrified) by what comes out of your mouth after a few drinks.

V, send me the link! You know what I'm talking about. I will hunt you down. And make CB do one too!

Wow. I just spell checked this entry, and it didn't recognize the word blog. Hmmm...

the magic of Trading Spouses

Did anyone catch Trading Spouses last night on Fox? Don't be judgin' - Lost wasn't on, and I don't have cable, okay? Anyway, it was a super religious mom that traded spaces with a hypnotherapist hippie mom. Not too weird, since these shows seem to go for total opposites. But the one mom wasn't just religious, she was a complete zealot. And had to weigh at least 300 pounds.

Needless to say, she didn't get along with the new family very well. They're very open, into astrology and celebrating the solstice, stuff like that. Seemed pretty cool to me. I won't get into the particulars. I'll just elaborate on two things that really got me.

First, the hippie lady had to meet fat religious lady's church friends for lunch. They came over to the house and immediately started grilling her about what religion she was. She was very cool about it, and didn't want to get into particulars, trying to avoid a confrontation. She basically said that she believes that everyone is equal, and should live harmoniously with the earth (or some crap like that). One friend said, very judgementally, 'So we're equal to child molesters and murderers?' Hippie lady didn't know what to say. Gross friend then said, 'So, you're not Christian.' As if she was scum because she wasn't Christian.

Thankfully I wasn't in this situation. I'd have decked her. Or at least pointed out that good Christians aren't supposed to judge. It's not like hippie mom was a child molester or murderer! She was a very nice, quiet, open-minded lady.

The second situation was when fat religious lady had to do a radio show with her new husband - they do some love advice show. The day fat religious lady did the show, there was a special guest - and special he was! A gay hypnotist (who I've heard on Dave Glover, by the way - a great drive time talk show on 97.1). Who better than a gay hypnotist to freak out fat religious lady?! She had a breakdown. She was pulling on her hair, praying to Jesus, and crying. It was completely hilarious. If you didn't see it, you should tune in next week - it supposedly gets better!

My point here is that I really feel sorry for people who are so into one thing they cannot learn about new things. Astrology is really cool. I'd really take that opportunity to learn about it. Are you telling me that God won't let you into heaven for learning about astrology and hypnotherapy? That's absurd. I just can't believe that.

If I was a religious person, I'd have been offended by this program. These zealots give all Christians a bad name. But they surely are funny!

complete incompetence

I went to the eye doctor yesterday at Crown Optical to see about getting new contacts (the ones I have now are so uncomfortable). I called last Friday to see if I could just come in and exchange them, but unfortunately, they're nazis and I have to pay $20 for a fitting - just to exchange some darn contacts. Oh well. No point in arguing. I scheduled the appointment for today at 1:15.

I walk in the place, and a girl asks if she can help me. I tell her my name, and that I have an appointment at 1:15. She looks at the computer, and says I'm not on the schedule. She and another girl poke around for a while, then tell me I was supposed to come in last Tuesday, the 25th.

Normally I can keep an even head when people make mistakes. It's understandable. Not today. I said, 'Hmm. That's interesting, since I made the appointment on Friday, the 28th.'

The girl says they can squeeze me in today, if I can wait for another guy to finish his appointment. She totally behaved as if I made the mistake. I was fuming. There was no reasoning with this girl.

So, I wait for thirty minutes when I ask the girl how much longer it's going to be. She says maybe 10 more minutes, that she's sorry for the wait, but I wasn't on the schedule for today. I explain to her that it's not my fault - does she get that? She finally gets it, but offers no sort of apology at all. I can tell she's a total know-it-all, by the way she treats the other employees.

The doctor finally sees me, and is confused because the dumbass sets up my file as though I'm there for a eye exam. Hello! Luckily the doctor was incredibly nice, and pregnant, or I'd have blown a gasket.

And as I'm paying the damn $20, the dumbass girl has the nerve to ask me, in front of the doctor, if they were able to help me out today! I could barely squeak out an answer. If it had been cartoon land, I'd have had smoke coming out of my ears.

How do you schedule an appointment for the 25th on the 28th? How can this girl even function? Shit, they need to hire her at my previous place of employment. She'd fit right in.

reunions

My 10 year high school reunion was this past weekend. How did I get this old? I chose not to go. Luckily my two best friends from high school didn't want to go either, so we went to Key West over Labor Day weekend instead, and believe me, it was a hundred times more fun than a stupid reuion could have been. That's us on top of La Concha hotel.

The way I see it, if there was a person from high school that I really wanted to contact, I could surely find them. There aren't many. I don't need to spend $85 to go and socialize at the freaking Sheraton in Westport. Please. And there was an invitation to go to the class president's church on Sunday, then have a family picnic in Queeny Park. I'd rather poke my eyeballs out than go to church with my high school class.

They sent out this stupid questionnaire so they could make a book, I guess. We had to say who our biggest crush was, our best friends, best memories, etc. Gag. I don't even want to think about that stuff about myself, why would I want to know these things about my classmates? I can't even remember half of them. I looked through my yearbook recently, and seriously, half of them aren't even vaguely familiar. I figure my class was either way too big, I was a huge snob, or the drugs are finally kicking in. Probably a combo of the three.

Plus, one of my best friends from high school and college died this year. She hated everything about high school, during and after. It didn't seem right to be there without her, though I'm sure she probably wouldn't have gone. It wouldn't have been right to make fun of everyone without her there to chime in.

I guess I wish I could have gone and been a fly on the wall, but to have to actively participate - make small talk, pretend to care - that's just too much work for a Saturday night.

seasonal affective disorder (or whatever)

I think I must have a version of this, except I'm only pissy when it rains. Is it the lack of sunshine? I think so. Darkness makes me sleepy, and when I'm sleepy at work, it's not a good combo.

First the day started off with an emergency staff meeting. We got reamed for being late, talking too much on cell phones, and socializing too much. It brought back memories of my last hellish job, except that here the president only gives us shit when it's getting out of control, not if we're 1 minute late clocking in. We don't even clock in here. Since I'm rarely late, don't talk on my cell, and try to not socialize with people (this isn't hard at all), I just had to sit there and take it. The difference between this and getting yelled at at the old job is that this is just motivation to make sure to do things right. This place actually makes you want to do that as opposed to making you want to do the exact opposite.

Then, since today's Halloween, people have been parading their kids around all day long. It's cute and all, but when I'm in a bad mood, the last thing I want to do is ooh and aah over someone's kid. Does this drive anyone else crazy? If I have kids, I'm making the vow now to never take them to my work or Q's work. You can hold me to it. Maybe I'm just jealous that these people have nothing better to do all day than bring their kid to their spouses place of employment. Must be nice.

Now I have to go and deal with traffic. Why can't people drive when it rains? It's maddening. Traffic is always backed up, and for no apparent reason. That's the worst thing about it - if there was an accident, fine, I get that. Why the hell does it back up for no reason???

Maybe I should go to bed early to escape this hellish day. I can start fresh tomorrow.

girly man

So, apparently there's a male golfer who wants to play in the British Women's Open. He's upset that women are allowed to qualify for men's tournaments, and is making a stand. He claims that if women can play in men's tournaments, then why have separate tournaments at all? What a moron.

He missed the point completely. It's a fine thought, in theory. Unfortunately, the world doesn't work that way. It's simple. Women have a valid argument to play in the men's tournament. They want the chance for more money, as the prizes are usually much bigger. Why would a man want to play in the women's tournament, with less money at stake?

I guess, though, he can't play well enough to play with the men, so why not try to get some money, at least, even if it's less. Methinks this won't really be a problem because not many men will want to admit they're not good enough to play against other men. This guy can try to cover it up by fighting for 'equality', but we're not fooled.

addendum

Exxon Mobil's profits up $10B

What is up with that? How, if they have to raise prices dramatically to cover costs because of the hurricanes, do their profits increase by $10 billion over the past three months? Interesting...

If a boycott ever were in order, it's now. Unfortunately, I'll probably have to fill up my car on the way home. Definitely not at Mobil, though.

insane rant (beware)

So, after the world series last night, the MVP was given a car. What? A guy who makes millions of dollars gets a new car? Please. He probably has several. He probably doesn't give one shit about that car.

Q wondered why they did that last night. Car companies do this all the time at sporting events. I remember being grossed out for the same reason at the superbowl. They do it for publicity, of course. I'm not saying it's right, but how do you get around it? Q thought they should donate a car to a worthy family. Yes, that's a great idea, but unfortunately, this country doesn't give a shit about that, and it's all about publicity. Especially for the hurting American car companies. I guess there are people out there who see a car company giving a new car to a sports hero, and they are impressed by this. Scary, but probably true.

I mean really, the amount of money these guys make is sickening. And I'm a huge baseball fan. I'd like it a whole hell of a lot more though, if they made less money. They could charge less to go to the damn game, less for concessions - it's all gotten very out of control. Isn't baseball supposed to be 'America's sport'? Not when average Americans can't even afford to go.

I remember hearing a radio show talking about how much the 'lesser' players make. I think the minimum is like $250,000, or something like that. How much it sucks to make that when there are others on your team making millions. Someone was whining about it. Please! Yes, making $250,000 definitely sucks. I can't imagine a life like that. How could you even live?

Anyway, it's disgusting. All the corporate nonsense. Stadiums like Minute Maid Park (previously Enron Stadium - ha), US Cellular Field, Comerica Park - it's freakish. How does anyone get excited about going to Minute Maid Park? Yes, St. Louis is a corporate whore too, but at least there's some history behind Busch.

I guess like everything else in this country, sports have become all about money. And we still feed into it, myself included. When did we become so complacent? People used to boycott. And it worked. I haven't tried lately, but I'm pretty sure we could never do that again. Is it laziness? I don't know. I'm all for a boycott, but I know it would go nowhere. Maybe I'm lazy for not trying. I just wonder why everyone is so willing to take it all the time.

We could boycott sports, cable, gas companies, hell, anyone! But again, I think it all comes down to money. People need money, which requires work, which most of the time requires gas for your car (since publice transportation is basically nonexistant here). It's an evil cycle. We have to have the best clothes, the best car, the best house. Boycotting seems silly when you've got to pay for your big new hummer! Everyone seems financially stable as credit card debt rises through the roof. One day, probably soon, there is going to be a whole generation drowning under credit card debt, then what will happen? Maybe it will take a collapse in the system to put things in check. Otherwise it's going to just spiral out of control. The country is probably going to self destruct anyway, or get nuked.

So apparently I've got some pent up anger. But now I'm better.

getting knocked up

My friend in Florida had a baby girl! The picture is kind of funky, but you can tell she's adorable. She was a month early. Which is weird, because babies are popping out left and right at my place of employment, and most have had to be induced because they're late. Well, not exactly at my place of employment. That would be very gross and unsanitary, being that they don't dust or vacuum here.

What is with that by the way? They didn't dust or vacuum at my old job either.

Having a baby is a scary thought. I'm guessing this is one of those things you can't overthink, you just have to do it. Or get knocked up.

imagine this...

I'm driving along highway 70 on my way to class at UMSL (a fiction writing class). I hear Daryl Palumbo sing 'I want to f**k you in your god's hands when your praying bites the dust'. I darn near almost crashed my car. What a line! I had to rewind the CD to make sure I heard it right, THEN had to get out the little book and read it. Yep, I heard right. That's one of the greatest lines I've ever heard, and I tend to like music with good lyrics, so that's saying a lot.

It's from the Head Automatica album, Decadence, that Q picked up a couple of weeks ago. He's been wanting it for a while, but just found it used. It's Daryl Palumbo from Glassjaw and Dan the Automator from the Gorillaz. It's really not much like either Glassjaw or the Gorillaz, though. It's totally funky and upbeat, with great music and lyrics. I highly recommend it. It's catchy as hell. I'm really impressed - it's totally not what I expected at all, especially since the last Glassjaw album sucked.

I don't even want to think about what it might mean. It's just so great, I don't want to ruin it. And believe me, the rest of the song is no slouch either. How exactly did he come up with that? It blows my mind. It's these moments that make me doubt I have any talent at all. Phew.

more prison time, please

Have you ever met someone who tries WAY too hard to be funny? So hard, in fact, that they aren't funny at all? This is the person who obviously sits at home and thinks about funny things to say. There's no way at all that what they say just rolls off their tongue. It's too perfect, too rehearsed.

This person drives me crazy. Thankfully she's not a friend. I couldn't be friends with her. I'm too nice to tell anyone that they're not funny, so I'd have to fake-laugh all the time, and that would get old quick. Way too much work. She also tries too hard to reference people/places/etc. so that she seems to be a whole lot smarter and 'cool' than she really is. And she's one of those people that no matter what happens in your life, it or something worse has happened to her. She barely lets you get your story out before she's swung full force into hers. That is so awful.

I can put up with little character flaws, no problem. Most of them are cute and endearing. In fact, I've got quite a few myself, I'm sure (I try not to think about that). But when your flaw takes over any other personality you might have, that's just too much for me. I can't handle it. I can't even pretend to handle it.

On a side note, this guy is a real winner. Anyone who willingly asks for more jail time is beyond the realm of help. He'll get torn apart in prison. I'd be surprised if he survives the full 33 years.

stay to the right

So, I'll eat my previous words about the Astros. But at least they didn't win in Houston. At least we have that.

I'm actually a little glad that baseball is over because now I can go back to watching my regular TV shows instead of taping them. Yes, I still tape things - no DVD-R yet.

I had a new experience yesterday. I was riding my bike on the newly built bike trail by my house when I was almost plowed over by a woman, riding a bike, and talking on a cell phone. Is this a joke? Unfortunately not. I could not believe it. She was riding with someone else, and they were spread out all over the trail. He had to yell at her to get out of the way. No way was I going to stop and let her pass. I would have plowed right into her just to teach her a lesson. For fuck's sake, pay attention! It was a gorgeous day, and the trail was semi-crowded. You can't tell me you are so important that you have to take a call during your bike ride. And if you are, at least stop riding the bike! I had headphones on, but still said, 'Are you kidding me?' I'm sure they heard, as I tend to talk loudly when listening to headphones. Unfortunately I didn't hear their reaction. Morons.

As I've been riding my bike more and more, I find that people have a serious problem figuring out which side of the trail they should be on. Same thing with the grocery store. How hard is it? I always thought the general rule of thumb was to stick to the right, like when driving. Am I wrong? It drives me crazy when some dumb lady in the store has her cart blocking the entire aisle while she looks at Hamburger Helper. How self absorbed is that? As though she is the only person in the entire store. People need to take a moment to notice the outside world. We all have to exist together - at least try to be cognizant of this. Or next time I'm going to crash my cart or bike right into someone.

On a brighter note, Blood Ray got a job, thanks to Craigslist. If you haven't checked it out yet, you should - it's a great site for all sorts of local classifieds.

da man

if only 'Titanic' the movie could sink, too

Last night Q and I finished watching The Believer. It's based on the true story of a KKK member in the 1960s who was revealed to be Jewish by a New York Times reporter. Ryan Gosling was really good, and despite a few plot flaws, it was definitely worth seeing.

Somehow the fact that it was based on a true story allowed me to get past the flaws. I just can't conceive of how a Jewish person could hate his own people so much. The movie tried a little bit to explain it, but I'm still baffled. It's so sad.

Anyway, the movie, of course, reminded me of American History X, one of the most powerful films ever made in my opinion. Edward Norton was amazing, as was the rest of the cast. This is one of those movies that just hammers you over the head and sticks with you for a long time. Unfortunately, it got almost no recognition, though I think it should have been a contender at the Oscars. Guess what won that year? Titanic. Wow. Truly unfortunate.

On a side note, Pujols smacked a huge homer last night to win us the game. So I don't have to eat my words yet!